I would like to submit both my screenplay, short screenplay, animation/children’s screenplay, teleplay, travel series, novel, and memoir for your consideration.
Okay, you talked me into it. Send them all to me. In a big box.
I have written a 2,500 word novel.
Actually, you’ve written a pamphlet.
Hello. I’ve queried more than 50 other agents with this and have gotten nowhere. Now I’m querying you.
You had me at hello.
Greetings agent. I have written the most important book on earth.
Will someone, for the love of God, please kill me.
My 318,000 word novel may seem like it starts a little slow, but after the first 100 pages or so it really picks up steam, so I hope you will be patient and not be distracted.
Hey, a SQUIRREL! Cool….Oh, hang on. what were you saying?
I hope this submission leaves you in a condition of uncontrolled and irreversible “wow.”
Last time I was in that condition I spent the next day in a Mexican jail.
To the crazy-eyed writer who showed up at my office today in a Ford Econoline van with a Red-Bull-stained manuscript in your hands: Thank you for not killing me.
I have the first 5 chapters written. I know first-time novelists are supposed to present a finished work, but I think it would end up a much better piece for having had an editor’s guidance during the last draft. He, in turn, would have an excuse to ask for a reduced price.
Brilliant! Or wait, better yet, you should write just one page, let the editor finish writing it for you, and he can buy it for almost nothing. Then I, as your humble servant, shall be KING OF ALL THE AGENTS!
I have attached a copy of a letter I recently sent to Oprah about my book. She ends her show in September 2011, which leaves little time to select an agent.
Finally! An author who understands the importance of Oprah and has a no-fail plan for getting on her show.
Sorry, I prefer to go by Mister Madam.
Publishing Tip of the Day!
5 things you may not want to say to an agent at a writers’ conference:
“You look a lot thinner on your web site.”
“How are your kids doing? It was so cute how they surprised you with waffles for breakfast last Saturday. At least I think it was waffles, it was hard to tell from outside your window.”
“Is it true that agents are just frustrated writers?”
“You know, you and I are the same blood type.”
“I’d like to share an important message with you from the Book of Mormon.”
Please consider my memoir….I know that my family and friends will, without reservation, pay at least $19.95 to make sure they have not been unfairly exposed or defamed.
Eureka! A brilliant new marketing angle! Publishers, take note: henceforth please be certain to include these taglines on all memoir covers, “Are you sure you haven’t been slandered in this memoir? Isn’t the cost of this book a small price to pay for your peace of mind?”
I am not the “author” per se, of this book. I was merely the spiritual channel.
With all due respect, please keep in mind that I am hiring an agent, not applying for a job, and I do insist on keeping a certain amount of mystery surrounding myself for my own protection.
And don’t forget to wear your aluminum foil hat to protect yourself from the government’s mind control signals.
Today is your opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a promising young author’s career. Today is your chance to be the one who lights the wick on the bottle rocket that will carry my name into the upper echelon and today is your chance to grab a ticket on that ride.
No, after reading this, I think that today is the day to take my drinking to a whole new level.
This is my humble attempt to interest you in my book.
Doesn’t the fact that you drew attention to the word humble by underlining and italicizing it sort of invalidate the whole humility thing?
Every agent I’ve encountered thus far has been a complete idiot. Let’s see if you can prove you’re different by representing me and my book.
Stop. Your seductive charm is making me feel woozy.
Agents get to have all the fun, don't they?!
COMING UP FOR WOTS:
September: Plotting Your Writing Career
Featured Author: Harper Lee
September 3rd -- WRITE-IN (at the home of Annette O'Hare) 10:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m.
September 12th -- MEETING: Alena Tauriainen: Conference Prep (2nd Saturday due to national conference)
September 17-20 - 2015 -- ANNUAL ACFW CONFERENCE in Dallas, TX